Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
