Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
