Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
