happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's rum buckets o'clock
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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