My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
