weddingsv make me drug and hornr
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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