in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
