I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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