What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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