quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
