i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
