you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
