I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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