Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
