his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
