saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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