So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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