No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
