You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
