I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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