i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
