did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
