Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
so let's talk penis.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize