actually, I'm a sock model
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
