Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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