not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
