I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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