I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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