I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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