It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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