Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
