She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I could fuck to npr.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
