woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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