we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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