I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
there is puke in my bra ... again
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