im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
