Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
