On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
