i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
