I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
