new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Randomize
