her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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