i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
