just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
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