I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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