I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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