Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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