There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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