I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
