lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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