I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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