Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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