So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
