so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
