I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
