It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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