hotel room ftw
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
