Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
