Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
