dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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