It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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