They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
